I’ll never forget the time we were at the beach and we buried uncle Joe in the sand.  Boy did we get in trouble!It turns out you can’t bury people at the beach—just at the cemetery. 

I think the most beautiful sunset I ever saw…..was on page 4&5 in the sunset book.

Life is funny, one minute you are a little kid running through a medow and the next you are an old man walking  thorugh a medow with dogs chasing you. 

When you are ten years old and a car drives by and splashesyou, it is hard to decide whether you should go to school thatway or go home and change, so while he was trying to decide….I drove by and splashed him again.  

When I die I don’t mind if wild animals eat me, but while I am still alive…… just licks please.   

Joe knew that no one had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it, so he got back in his car and kept driving


If you are a prisoner on death row, a good idea is to clean up your cell really nice and then when they come to take you away, say “injection! I thought you said inspection!” and maybe they will laugh and let you out of it. 

Ill bet the most annoying job in the middle ages was a catapult operator because kings and rulers would always ask “can’t you get that to fling stuff farther?”  I am sorry, your majesty that is as far as it shoots! 


If you are ever traveling in time with corn on the cob, I really don’t think it will affect the corn on the cob very much at all.  I guess the point I wanted to make is that corn on the cob is pretty good isn’t it? 


One lesson vampire children need to learn early on is never to run with wooden stakes also regular children.      

For some reason I have always seemed to have an irrational fear of clowns.  I don’t think I will ever really be able to put my finger on it though it could have something to do with when I went to the circus as a kid and a clown killed my Dad. 

I think of all my uncles my favorite uncle was uncle Harry.  We would stay with him and most of the time he just slept.  Occasionally he would kind of make growling sounds that we all thought were pretty funny.  Oh and occasionally he would eat one of us.  Later on we found out that he was a bear. 

A good thing to do to help get the soil ready for flower beds is to call the police and tell them that you have burried some bodies in your yard.  Here’s the catch….they dig everywhere not just where you tell them to. 


If you are ever having a feud with your neighbors and it gets to the point of throwing grenades, I think a good thing to do is start throwing baby pumkins over the fence then everybody will start thinking about how cute they are and how beautiful the world is and how we should all just get along and while they are doing that you throw the real grenade.


Stay tuned as the depth increases……. 

If I could be any kind of animal I think I would like to be a bird.  Not just any bird though I would want to be a penguin that way I could walk around all day on two feet.   

If someone says “I can’t” it makes me wish that they could be stung by 1,000 bees for being so unconfident.  If they say “I’ll try”, 500 bees for being only partially confident.  If they say “I can”, just one bee–but it should be a killer bee.  

If dogs end up taking over the world I sure hope they don’t go by size, because I’ll bet there are some chiuauas with some pretty great ideas. 

I think at the end of a job interview if they ask if you have any questions, a good question to ask is “do you press charges?”